Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Reflection on myself

I have 20% of battery left, and 20 minutes to just keep writing. I do not know what i will write about. I think writing can be quite hard, sometimes it is just a moment of words falling out of you brain that make sense. But more times it's us having an idea, and then trying to convey it to the world and actually have somebody understand it. The inside of my brain is a jumble, but what comes out should be crystal clear.

I am going to write about an observation I made today. I was rustled and frustrated over several things that cause me anxiety. What? It is the application of for a student visa for this August when I will travel to Sweden to do my second year of master's study. Really I hate applying for visa's. I hate the administration and the anxious, helpless feeling I get when all I can do is wait for the Embassy's reply.
Anyways, so I was anxious. I started having difficulty in focusing, and then as one thing falls out of focus, it seems my whole world starts to follow. Then comes the unfortunate events. There are things such as many of my possesions starting to break, my money runs low, I forget loads of things everywhere, I drop things. It is like a cloud of negativity and bad luck form around me and grows in space as I continue to feel anxious, suffocating me and further increasing my anxiety which in turn fuels the negative cloud around me.

It is time to step back, breathe. Look at the things I can do, and do them one by one. Do not look at the big picture in this time of panicked stress. It will overwhelm me. I am perpetually bothered by a degree of competitiveness and perfectionism. If, especially in times of stress, I perceived others around me to be better off, or doing better. I will always start to compare my work, my activities with theirs. And feel I must do better. Perfection may be relative, and my version of perfection seems to be reliant on the work of others. Of course, if I perceive my work as better than my peers, then I shrug it off, and feel job well done. While quite possibly, the same work when compared with a different set of peers, one who complete much higher quality, would result in a panic state on my part.

I recognize it is thus part of who I am, that I am motivated by the direct influence of the peers around me. For me to obtain better results, I should be put in an environment with higher results than mine, so I will be always challenged.

The downpart, there must be a down part. Being second best, or having peers that I perceive to be working much harder than me, or creating better quality work than me, or working longer than me, makes me anxious. I lose confidence in myself and my work. I don't know what level my work is on, and I always start to feel like my work is shit (even though it may well be quite decent).

I must find a balance between trying to strive to be the best, and having confidence in myself.
Having a clear, limited, end goal may be a solution, or a helpful tactic.
Clear end goal is quite understandable, but limited? Let me explain. I need to limit myself, because if I don't, I start to envision that my work must be in the greatest capacity known to mankind to be significant. I need to write a report, not an encyclopedia entry. I need to write a blog post for today, not make a million dollars as a famous guest blogger. Having this limit will help me to measure my work more objectively, and have more confidence in myself.

I am still on the search for more tips, tactics, and understanding myself to make a better me.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

"I am still on the search for more tips, tactics, and understanding myself to make a better me" -- I like this line a lot. yes, you painted a sense of frustration and anxiety, maybe more than you intended?
That's not a negative comment by the way. The sheer fact that you are here and participating - and about to travel abroad - tells me that you are far more capable that you give yourself credit for.
I like your writing and reflection.